Tuesday, May 31, 2005

$3.00? I'm Rich!

I want to express my deepest gratitude to America’s trial lawyers, especially those kings of torts who initiate class action suits to rescue injured parties like myself from any responsibilities for my lousy decisions. You see, during the big investment bubble of 1999-2000, when stock values went only one direction—up—I took a small position in two can’t-miss stars: WorldCom and Global Crossing. Well, guess what? Both stocks tanked, and the executives of both companies were charged with ethical malfeasance.

Enter the mass tort trial lawyers. They sniff out this stuff like hyenas sniff out carrion. Suddenly my mailbox was filled with big, official documents that invited me to participate in class actions. I remember telling my financial advisor with a laugh: “What the hell, let’s do it, just to see what happens. I’ll bet that the lawyers will wind up with millions and I’ll wind up with pennies, but I’m curious to test out that hypothesis”.

So here’s what happened: “I” won both cases! Hooray! In the case of World Com, I had lost $5600 of my original investment. But I no longer cared, because the plaintiffs (that’s me, folks!) won a $2.6 billion judgment. Wow!

What that means, I learned, is that I, as the person who has presumably suffered terrible wrongdoing, will receive a check for 40 whole dollars. Naturally, the attorneys will get $145 million. Am I upset at the discrepancy? On the contrary, I am relieved to learn that the lead counsels for the plaintiffs, who did such a fine job in representing me, can apply for additional payment for their out-of-pocket costs. Lest you think that’s extravagant given the $145 million they’ll receive for handling paperwork and avoiding a trial, let me reassure you that their expense claim cannot exceed $16 million. I feel terribly reassured to know that.

With Global Crossing, where I lost only $2500, my lawyers were stymied by a tough court bench. The final judgment was for a paltry $75 million, and the lawyers took home a trifling $13 million. I, however, as the injured party, made out like a bandit. I will receive a check for three dollars, and I’m already agonizing on how to spend it all.

It’s obvious that there’s no reason for tort reform in this country. Whether it’s about failed investments, asbestos, Vioxx, you name it, I think it’s wonderful that entrepreneurial attorneys in this country can band together to do a mass-market trolling campaign to attract people who say they were somehow injured, then fill out some legal documents, and ultimately reap millions of dollars even as the thousands of their nameless, faceless clients (some of whom are genuinely hurt) wind up with a few bucks each. Is this a great country or what?

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